Afraid to be Skinny

I've figured it out. I'm afraid to be skinny. I've been fat for so long that it's become familiar and cozy, like an old couch, and skinniness sounds like a foreign idea. If I'm skinny, then I won't have an excuse not to do things - then I'll feel like I need to get up and do things. And people might notice me.

Of course, I need to get over these feelings. Others have - losing the weight will mean that my body will be healthier, more able to keep up with my children. I'll stop having problems with my knees (hopefully) and won't have to worry about any unsightly bulges. I might be comfortable in a swimming suit again, not embarrassed by the pooch of my thighs.

Is that what I want? If so, why do I constantly crave food and say to myself "It's all right to do it right now - you can start losing weight tomorrow." Except I've been doing that for more than a year and no diet has started yet.

Lately, I've done pretty well just watching what I eat, making sure it's mostly fruits and vegetables and trying to stay away from ingredients I can't pronounce. I've lost about 9 pounds, which means I have 51 left to go. This week, in four days, I was at the gym six times. I did my regular eliptical routine in the morning (fifteen minutes forwards, fifteen backwards) and situps, then Monday I did cardio and Wednesday I did kickboxing. This will become a fairly normal routine for me, I think. I need the exercise and I feel pretty good, considering.

Now I need to start drinking water. Lots of water. Like 2-3 liters of water a day. I can do this - it will make my body feel better, make my skin healthier, and help me lose the water weight I carry around every day.

All of this to climb a mountain. I will make it to the summit of Kilimanjaro on July 22, 2013. I will stand there to see the sunrise over Africa and I will be proud.

But I have a long journey before that climb even begins.

And I have to stop being afraid to be skinny.

Summer Depression

Briana Conrad, a good friend, constantly tells me that when I am bored, I should update my blog. The problem is, I am so bummed out right now that updating anything just sounds like a chore. I am doing my best to keep the house in shape, the bathrooms cleaned, the laundry done, and everything else seems like a waste of time.

I'm depressed. I know it. Part of it is summer - it's so hot and I hate the heat, just hate it. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to do anything fun with anyone that requires leaving my house. Silly, but true. And my weight is wearing on me. Still, I know how to fix that. I need to exercise more and eat less. Very simple and yet terrifying difficult to accomplish.

This is not a chipper blog post, Briana, and I am sorry for that. I'm reading YOUR blog, by the way, of all the excitement you are experiencing in France and I am SO PROUD of you! You are spreading your wings and doing a darn good job of it.

Now, if only I could spread these old wings at home and accomplish something other than moping. It's true, I'm moping like a six-year old. Pouting like nobody's business. I'm tired of paying taxes, paying bills, and getting groceries. I'm tired of trying to save for retirement, but not saving too much that I don't have anything to do anything fun right now. But what am I doing that's fun? Nothing at all. So why am I worried?

It's been a hard year, sure, but it's been a hard year for everyone. At least we still have a house, still have jobs, still have electricity and running water and a space of our own. Many families our age do not have this option - someone has lost a job, lost the house, and they are struggling more than we are.

I have to keep reminding myself of this. No matter how upset I am with the way things are going, there are people who are struggling more. So will someone please explain to me why I'm such a big pouter?

Tangled into Knots

First off, if you haven't seen the new Tangled movie, it's fantastic. The horse is the best part, but the chameleon isn't bad either. They do a good job making it accessible for everyone (and by that, I mean that parents won't fall asleep watching it).

I have been working out as much as possible, up to four times a week. At first, the elliptical was terribly painful. but now I can do two miles and not feel like I am going to die. I'm not losing a whole lot of weight, but I am planning on doing a 5K in less than an hour in May, so I'm sort of getting ready for that.

A few funny child notes: Dagny is first in her division for bowling in Southwest Minnesota. In other words, for the girls 11 years old and younger, she's going to State Championships in May. This is hillarious to me. In Districts, she bowled three games with scores of 67, 55, and 70. She beat the girl she was sharing a lane with hands down and the girl had at least five years on her. With her shockingly high handicap (570) she was a shoe in for state. She might not win there, but I'm sure as heck proud that she's going!!

Sintu is quite proud of his potty training (at last) and accompanies Marc into the bathroom where he completely embarasses his father by saying "Good Boy, Daddy!!" every time. This makes me laugh.

The snow is finally gone and today was 70 degrees. We went for a walk last night, but tonight I got out the bikes and we grabbed our neighbors (not literally) to go for a walk around the block. Sintu was sorely outnumbered, six girls to just him, but he didn't seem to care. Roscoe doesn't count, though he joins us on these walks and he's getting better on his leash.

Marc is in Mankato on business for a few days and I'm really bored once the kids go to bed. Marc and I usually veg, have some wine, watch TV, but it's not the same without him. Since Brianna Conrad has chewed me out for not updating my blog, I thought I'd give her something to read. (Hi Brianna!)

George R.R. Martin, my favorite author, comes to the television screen on April 17 (yes, that's my birthday!!) with an adaptation of my FAVORITE book for HBO. I'm such a geek, I can hardly wait. I've even invited friends over to watch it. If you haven't read The Game of Thrones, you should. They're brilliant and definitely not your sunshine and daisies fantasy. He's not afraid to kill of the characters you like.

Well, I'm off to find something to do, like maybe *gasp* read a book. I'm presenting a few books at the MLA conference and I'll have 12 minutes to do 10 titles, in the science fiction and fantasy genres (no surprise there). I'm reading some things I've never read before and it's kind of exciting - I chose some Hugo and Nebula winners and I'll keep you psoted on that! Have a great night.

Influenza A

Giant Flakes of Snow. That's all I can see out my window right now. We had freezing rain this morning followed by what the weathermen are saying could be up to 15 inches of the fluffy white stuff.

We just had a thaw, people. We were just being able to see grass after a week in the upper 30s and 40s for temperature, sunshine, and a regaining of our precious Vitamin D. And now this...

I have been home for three days from work (plus two of the weekend) with Influenza A. It started as a cough, became chills and bodyaches, filled my respiratory tract with amazing amounts of mucous, and laid me on my ass for three whole days. I took my kids to school, went home and slept, got up to let the dog out, and slept again. And now there's a blizzard that might trap us in the house on Monday. It's maddening. I was looking forward to church today to simply SEE PEOPLE. My family is wonderful, but after a few days, I really want to see someone else. Anyone else.

The good thing is we took a walk yesterday before it got cold, walking around two blocks in town and took the dog with us. It was very nice, though there weren't many other people out and about. We discussed why there's a ledge of snow over the gutter and the kids were fascinated by the idea of melting, which was fun.

And now there is no more melting for awhile - the grass we could see is covered up with a new layer of white. At least it's not dirty yet and the fresh pristine-ness of the snow is really quite lovely.

If only I could get out of the house...

A Fascination with Egypt

Mubarak resigned yesterday, which is fantastic for the Egyptian people, though now the military will probably take over and they won't be happy. This sort of makes me sad, but I will continue to send good thoughts their way - it's always better to create a democracy and not have someone step in and force you (no criticism of the US intended there...snort).

I am having trouble drinking all the water that I should be. I was doing so well for awhile, but not any more. Not sure why, though I am going to make an effort to do it this coming week. Since this is the Chinese New year, do I get to make my resolutions again?

I joined the Minnesota Biggest Loser challenge with a team from Pipestone and we're doing pretty well so far, with lots of exercise and nutrition points, and some weight loss points. All in all, the weight is not the important part - the health is. As we get more healthy, the clothes will fit better because weight loss will be a secondary bonus, or that's what I'm telling myself. Really, I just need to lose the weight so I don't have to buy any new pants for the summer - my spring clothes won't fit me the size I am now. Time to get cracking.

The bitter cold is finally giving way to warmer temperatures, of which I am very grateful. The negative temps and even more negative windchills were wearing on everyone. When you go outside and stop breathing, it's FAR too cold. Will it last until spring? Who knows?

It's a crazy day in the library today - we've got a children's carnival going on and there are SO MANY kids! It's awesome.

A Daily Observance

Wow. I'm late. This is what happened with my other blog, too. I would forget to post and then things would slide down into a spiral of neglect. I told myself I would try very hard not to do that this time, but it seems that this is second nature.

I have two questions which will probably never be answered - why do my children sleep later when it's snowing? Is this a genetic human trait? I also sleep later when it snows and am extremely reluctant to get out of bed. Are we supposed to hibernate?

And my second question - why do cereals aimed to get kids attention flavored with styrofoam? I ate Alphabits this morning and they were absolutely awful, enough so that I threw the entire box away. Sintu liked them, but Sintu will eat absolutely anything, so his opinion doesn't count in this case.

My darling daughter lost her first tooth on Saturday and was terribly excited about the tooth fairy coming for a visit. Of course, thanks to the movies, she thinks the tooth fairy is the ROCK in hockey clothing, but that's okay! She got a silver dollar for her tooth and couldn't be prouder.

We are working on refinancing our house and are supposed to close in a few weeks. We had the appraisal today and she was very nice - I'd recommend her. I had questions about our first appraisal, when we started trying this months ago, but she explained everything to me patiently (and apologized for getting my name wrong) so that did wonders. This refinance won't lower our payments by much, but it will lock us into a fixed rate 30 year mortgage instead of the 10 year interest only we have right now, which is a great thing. We love our house, we want to stay here.

In other news, there's not much to say. Things are going pretty well around the workplace. I joined up with the biggest loser challenge for Minnesota, but I haven't lost any weight yet. I've done a lot of exercise and I DID record all my points this week, which I feel quite proud of, but no lost weight as of yet. It'll come, right? I just have to be positive.

WMDs in Human Suits

My children are weapons of mass destruction. It amazes me that they manage to pull EVERYTHING out of the play bin in just under 30 seconds and then blame each other for doing it. It's like Hurrican Dagny and Typhon Sintu in here sometimes! Not that any self-respecting weatherman would ever name a storm after my kids (gotta stick to the regular names), but it does seem that way sometimes.

Add in the furry little bundle of C4 named Roscoe and we've got a regular job for the A-Team in our house. If the A-Team cleaned toilets, floors, and did laundry anyway. Hannibal, where are you when I need you? Murdock can babysit! I think they'd get on great!

I understand that tantrums are normal. I also understand that teenagers are like unstable, weapons-grade plutonium and that I will have TWO entering puberty at mostly the same time, but right now it amazes me just how insane things can get around here!

However, Sintu today said "Mommy, I need to show you something" and led me into his room. "Mommy, sit on my bed for a minute, okay? I have something cool to show you."

Keep in mind, out in the hallway he dropped a blue plastic vase and out fell a pink stuffed bunny. I had no idea this was important until right now.

"Abracadabra!" he shouts gleefully, overturning the vase and (once again) dumping out the rabbit. "See?" How cute is that? Makes all the tantrums worthwhile, doesn't it?

As to the weight loss - I'm not doing too badly with the water, drinking as much as I should every day. And I am still addicted to spinach and have found a new vice: Laughing Cow spreadable cheese! The light version is only 35 calories per wedge and it's quite tasty with lowfat wheat thins, which are some of my favorite crackers. Unfortunately, when I start eating them, I never manage to stick to just one serving. I always end up munching for much longer than I should. That's my goal for next week - portion sizes. I need to stick with it and actually write in my weight watchers journal, which I have been horrid at recently.

However, on the shopping front (borderline shopaholic here), I've done quite well. I took all my credit cards out of my wallet and am only going to spend money that I HAVE and not money that I might have. I went to TWO sales this week and didn't buy very much at either place, spending about $20 dollars for each one. I have an allowance of $100 per month and that's not bad! The rest can be coffees and an occasional lunch and (gasp) maybe savings?

Speaking of savings, I have decided that we need to transfer money into the kids' savings account each month so that they have something there when they need it. I feel pretty good about this.

Is It Really Worth It?

Yes, yes it is. So over the past week with all this water drinking, I have lost about 5 pounds altogether. Considering how bummed I was feeling earlier, this is fantastic! Now, if I could stick with eating healthier foods, I would be doing even better!

Last night, in the interest of time, I warmed up pierogies from the freezer because it was too cold to grill (imagine that) the fish we had thawed. Tonight, we'll do the fish and I am hoping that I manage to control myself enough to not eat at Confirmation so I can eat healthy food when I return home - this is better for me, so cross your fingers. I'll just have to think good thoughts.

And so I come to my next question about worth - what should people really be paying for health insurance? We figured that about $6000 is taken out of Marc's check a year to pay for our health insurance, which has a $6000 out of pocket for the family ($1500 per individual, $3000 deductible for family, $6000 before expenses are covered). That means we have to spend $12,000 before our insurance really kicks in.

Seriously? That's more than my mortgage and is it really worth it in the long run? I'd love to say yes, but lately I've had doubts about that. Money is money and perhaps we would be doing better in the long run to save that $12,000 into an account that we could use if it were needed, rather than just spend it on some company who is only in it for the profits.

But that's a soapbox for another day.

Keith Olbermann

Keith Olbermann has some words to say and it is everything that I wanted to, only said with more passion and more reason than anything I could say myself.

Listen to Keith.

We Live in MN - Redux.

Right. It's snowing again. A LOT of snow. And it just keeps coming. It's light and fluffy enough, and quite lovely, but if the wind picks up, we're all screwed. And what do we have around here in great abundance? Wind. So we'll see what tomorrow will bring.

School was closed today because of lack of plowing, but the kids really wanted to go to daycare, so I opened the library for four hours this afternoon - it'll let us get delivery done, shelving, and some projects. However, I have had to shovel the walkway TWICE and am now wondering why I bothered to work out this morning at all.

Ha. I did, though. I used the exercise bike at home and did intervals while the kids watched Hotel For Dogs, which is a really cute movie. Dagny got very upset when the siblings (humans) got seperated and all the dogs got locked in cages, to the point where she was crying. And by the end, I was crying, too, since it's so sappy and marvelous. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a cryer. Oh well. Guess I can't fix that.

I also made aaplesauce bagels this morning. I have this recipe for pumpkin, but with Marc and I trying to steer clear of processed foods, I thought I'd try something else. So instead of canned pumpkin, I used home-made applesauce and whole wheat flour instead of the white. They're very good! I think I'll put in raisins next time, though.

I'm still drinking my water and peeing like nobody's business (like you needed to hear that) and on Sunday I was so bloated, I was miserable. BUT - today I feel better. Maybe my body IS adjusting to it. I hope so, anyway. I like the side-effects. My ecxema is almost gone, my legs don't itch like they do every winter, and my skin is feeling healthier in general. I think I can keep it up!!

And for lunch I had a spinach and mushroom salad and it was very tasty. Tonight we're having shrimp alfredo with whole wheat pasta - should be very tasty! I think we might cheat and have a little bread with it, but once in awhile isn't a big deal.

Hope everyone is warm and snug, wherever they are!

Disturbed By The State of the Nation

First, I'll do some weight loss comments, before I get on my soapbox. I have drunk my water (at least ninety ounces) for the past four days and I am now bloated and cranky. Marc says it just takes some time to get used to it, so I'm hoping he's right. For lunch today, I made scrambled eggs with spinach and mushrooms and it was very good, and for that I'm thankful! It would suck if healthy food was gross, but it's really not. In the long run, whole grains, veggies, and fruits taste much better than all that processed stuff that probably gives you cancer anyway.

Can you tell that I'm cranky? So, onto my other reason for writing today. My husband said this morning (and I've quoted him already on Facebook) that he understands free speech, but what about RESPONSIBLE free speech?

Everyone already knows about the Representative that was shot in Tucson on Saturday. Twleve people were shot, including a nine-year old girl who died at the scene. 5 others are dead, including a federal judge and Representative Giffords was shot in the head. Remarkably, she survived surgery and the doctors are cautiously optimistic, but the attack was definitely aimed at her. The cause for this? A nutjob, but it doesn't help that some things were put right out there for nutjobs to concentrate on. Sarah Palin (whom I don't like and that's no secret) had a website where congressional districts were "Targeted" and on that website, various districts had bulleye markings with crosshairs. Tucson was one of those districts and what did someone do? They took it literally and SHOT someone for not agreeing with her.

When did this happen? Most of the politicians want to prove that they are "good christians" and they love Jesus. Would Jesus have done this? Would Jesus have posted crosshairs on Herod's kingdom and encouraged people to go shoot him? I think not. So where is the good Christianity that people are espousing? Certainly not where I've seen it.

A friend yesterday posted something on facebook: a short video (creatively edited) that showed Nancy Pelosi handing over the gavel of the Speaker of the House to her successor, who then hit her on the head with it. How is this funny? How can we be mad about violence when we not only condone it, we use it for our pleasure? I've got a newsflash for you - it's not funny. Not even remotely. It is NOT OKAY to post things like this for the general public.

What did I say before? There are NUTJOBS out there who will take this stuff seriously and run with it! Responsible free speech should be our right, not the right to say anything we want. Where do we draw the line? You can't scream FIRE in a crowded theater, for example, but how is putting a target on someone's head any different?

We DO Live in Minnesota, you know

School closed early today. Probably a good thing, considering it's almost impossible to see the road. I wouldn't mind except for the fact that Marc is at a meeting in New Ulm and who knows when he'll be back.

I ran errands in Sioux Falls this morning and it wasn't that bad. I got groceries (healthy foods) and did NOT stop for fast food, much as I wanted Long John Silvers or KFC. Instead, I bought a healthy sandwich at HyVee and ate it in the car, along with a sugar free mocha from Starbucks. I'm pretty proud of this, can you tell?

I drank 90 ounces of water yesterday, enough to make me pee most of the afternoon. I weighed myself this morning at I lost FOUR pounds in a day, just from the water. So I did it again today and we'll see what happens!!

This afternoon I managed to clean the bathrooms, start the laundry, and make some salad for our potluck on Sunday night at church. I feel accomplished and for the first time in a long time I actually feel pretty good about myself. The water is helping, I think, and the healing of the infection. This is a good thing!

If only I can start feeling pretty again. I KNOW I'm not unattractive, but I haven't felt pretty in a long time and it would be nice to feel that way again. I shouldn't let that be dependent on weight, but in my head it is, thanks to the images we're bombarded with every day. I wish someone would hire me to be a plus-sized model soI could see just how attractive I could actually look! Not that that will happen, but you never know!

Hope everyone is safe in their homes - I'm off to make grilled cheese sandwiches for the kids, along with key lime pie yogurt - it's their favorite.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!

Spamalot was awesome! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time and it was very nice to have a date with my husband without two small voices clamouring for attention. We had dinner at Leonardo's Cafe before the performance and the food was delightful, however...

I didn't think I'd eaten that much, though Marc tells me I did. I had most of a plate of salad and sauteed vegetables, though I did also get the pasta bar, which was probably more than I needed. My tummy felt a bit wonky afterwards, but this morning it's better.

I've made a decision today - I have to drink the water. That will solve a lot of problems, including really dry skin (which itches) and heathier hair and nails. Of course, I need to take my multivitamin every day, too, which I should manage. If I get more water into my system, then I won't itch as much, which will mean I don't need to spend the money on fake nails (fake nails prevent me from itching - they're much thicker than my regular nails) and then I can use that money for other, more fun things. And I won't have to constantly try to schedule appointments for my nails and spend the time to do them.

Not to mention, water will just make me feel better, right? So I'm drinking today, as much as I can. I might not make 100 ounces, but I'll pull of 70 at least and that's a good start.

I'm not sure if it's the steroids that are making me see the world in a better light, but today seems better than most days have been recently. Cross your fingers that I can switch the glass to half-full instead of half-empty. That's my worst fault, I think.

And I have to keep telling myself that my family is what's important, I'm a good person, and there are plenty of people who like me and my husband and children. We are in a good community in which we want to stay and grow roots, and we should work on acheiving those goals before stressing out about other things.

Everything will work out in the end. I must have faith.

We Want to Pump...YOU up!

So I write this as my dog has the rips in the living room. Nothing funnier than that!

I went on steroids and antibiotics yesterday due to a massive sinus infection that had the doctor wondering why I wasn't in the hospital. I figured since I was still walking around, we should keep it that way and so we're trying a less invasive treatment first. It's working, I think, or the steroids are simply giving my the illusion that things are going great!

I'm starting my journaling today for WW. I figured out what the problem was. I was so used to knowing the points of things off the top of my head that, when they changed programs, now I have to look things up and that makes me grumpy. But the meeting yesterday was so great, I may have found new purpose. I actually looked up my oatmeal this morning! Whahoo!

This is a rather short post, but I still haven't gotten the kids ready for school yet and tooth-brushing must be done. I won't be able to write tonight since we have tickets to Spamalot at the Washington Pavillion and I'm really looking forward to a date with the hubby. Oh, and the show is supposed to be funny, too. How can you go wrong with a musical based on Monty Python??

A Better Outlook?

So I feel better about weight watchers today. I know I've done it before (I lost 70 pounds the first time), for some reason this time seemed much harder. Might be the age, might be the inspiration. Anyway, I've got a high school reunion (20 years, don't tell) in the summer and I think it might be nice to not have such a big butt.

Weigh-in today did not go well, but the meeting was great. It was very supportive and I think that I'm ready to start journaling and get busy. Wish me luck on this!

On the way home from Pipestone today, the kids both told me all about what they did at school and I was reminded that the things that matter the most to me are the family. Sometimes I forget that, and I shouldn't. So I'm reminding myself now that those are the important moments. Sure, it matters that I remember to pay the school lunch bill, but in the end, they won't stop feeding her if I forget for a few days. I did pay it, by the way.

And I'm addicted to Facebook. I play this game called Mousehunt. If you don't play it, you should - it's fabulous!

Is It Okay to Crate the Children?

All right. There is one part of this plan that is a bit silly. I'm supposed to drink half my body weight in ounces of water a day. yeah, I was confused about that for awhile, too, but what it means is I divide my weight in half (102) and then have to drink that many ounces of water. Are you kidding me?? I was lucky to make 30. Marc managed to do it, but his bladder must be HUGE because I would have been peeing all day.

I also ate a piece of chocolate at work. This is supposed to be a slow start, right? I'll get there. I might not lose weight this week, but I have every intention of working out in the morning, so that will help make me less cranky. I hope.

On a different note, I'm tired of listening to my children fight with my dog. I would like to let the dog stay out since he is, after all, a dog and doesn't know that the children are not puppies. The children however, know that the dog is a dog and yet they keep egging him on. I would like to put THEM in the crate. I know this isn't possible (they don't fit - they tried, not me) and someone would undoubtedly report me, but I'm SURE that other moms have felt the same way at some point.

Oh, and the bright note of the day: Ben Browder has a new show coming out. I loved him in Farscape and to have him back on TV will relieve Vincent D'onofrio of having to be my TV boyfriend. Don't worry - Marc has a movie girlfriend. Jamie Lee Curtis. I know, I think that's weird, too.

So I got off to a rough start, but hopefully I'll get better. No chocolate tomorrow - it wasn't that good. I think I only ate it because it was chocolate. I need to get over that.

A New Beginning

Tomorrow, Marc and I are going to try and eat only non-processed natural foods for the next ten weeks. It's part of the Impact Body Plan that he's really keen on. He's planning on doing the full plan, which includes a workout that's highly detailed each week. I've looked at this workout plan and there's no way I can do it. I mean, some of the moves in that would make me make noises similar to a dying moose just trying to contort my body into those positions. So he can follow the entire thing. I, on the other hand, am going to follow the eating plan and continue with my usual workout at Anytime Fitness.

The all natural food thing is a good idea - Weight Watchers recommends the idea and so I'll go with it and see if I lose any weight.

As of right now, I weight 204 pounds, which is way too much. I have SO MANY cute clothes that would fit my backside if it were just twenty pounds lighter. So cross your fingers that I can do it. I'm hoping this blog might help me do it, considering talking to whoever is reading might make me feel accountable. So if you're reading, drop me a note and let me know.

And it won't just be weight loss - there are many strange things that happen in the mind of a mommy. The conversations that happen with children are amazing. For instance, in line at the Jasper MiniMall yesterday, I had a long conversation about rubber boots, which the man in front of us was wearing. Sintu found them incredibly cool and wanted to know why he didn't have a pair. Hmmm...maybe because he doesn't have to muck out barn stalls? But heck, if rubber boots would make him happy, then maybe I'll get him some for his birthday.